What The Duck?!

I recently took a trip to my favorite place on our beautiful California coast. A place that I have always gone to with a guy. I went alone one time back in 2021. I thought I could do it. I had spent a lot of time alone so shouldn’t be a problem, right? Wrong. I was terrified the entire time. I didn’t sleep well, and I spent the entire day longing for someone to spend the time with. I struggled and went home feeling sad and more alone than I did before.

This time was different. I only booked the trip because I got a great deal from a booking site. Even as I confirmed the booking, I found myself asking why? I haven’t had any desire to go anywhere for the last 6 months. I have felt a strong pull to home. I think it’s mostly due to depression from the chain of events I am still processing. Yet, even as I sat there questioning and feeling no desire to take a trip I hit confirm.

A month later it was time to get ready to go. The night before I made no attempts to pack. I kept putting it off. I told myself it was one night so packing in the morning wouldn’t take long. I looked at the weather and it was going to be cloudy; I was in need of sunshine so I decided a late start would be fine.

The next morning, I woke up around 7:00. Took my time getting out of bed. Made some coffee curled up in my heated blanket and even watched some TV. Something I never do in the morning. I looked at the clock it was 9:00. I told myself I would get in the shower at 10:00 so naturally I was in the shower at 10:30. I took my time getting ready. I even curled my hair. Again, something I never do! For as little effort I put into it my hair it came out amazing. Giving me a boost of confidence I didn’t know I needed,

I then packed a small bag grabbed a couple of books and my edibles and hit the road! Jk I cleaned the kitchen and my boy’s bathroom because nothing motivates me to clean more than avoiding something. I looked at the clock and it was only 12:00. I would make it there by 2:30. I figured that would be perfect as the overcast usually clears by then.

The drive could not have been smoother. I found myself looking for the trees that lined the Surf Ranch property as I passed through the outer edge of Lemoore. As I searched for the trees, I found myself missing the crew and their big, beautiful personalities. It’s strange how people can come into your life and have such an impact and be out of it completely in the blink of an eye.

I made it to my destination little before 3:00. I went straight to my favorite spot took off my shoes and did the quick hike to the lookout. As my bare feet hit the sand, I knew I made the right decision, but something was still off. Just kept asking myself why.

As I walked the path lined with hundreds of eucalyptus trees taking in all the beauty and the fresh air I heard a strange noise. You could hear the wind blowing through the trees picking up the closer I got to the cliff. There it was again this strange high pitch sound. But it wasn’t a sound that made you wince. It was intriguing. I found myself under a group of trees that all intertwined with one another and as the wind blew, they swayed, and the trunks rubbed together making the same sound as a pod of orcas calling out to one another. (An animal I have been obsessed with since Free Willy) It was magical. If I had been wearing a blindfold, I would have believed anyone who said there was a pod in the cove behind me. I stood there looking up at these gorgeous trees listening to them sing. I took in this moment then continued.

My plan was to climb down to the small hidden beach burry my feet in the sand and chant for clarity. (I’m Buddhist) When I reached the cliff, I started down the trail to the beach and quickly turned my ass around. There was a giant male elephant seal with his mate and their pup. As big as those boys are they are fast AF and MEAN! So, I found a nice little spot at the edge took a seat looked out over the water. As beautiful as it all was, I had no idea why I was there. Sure, I love this place, but something was missing this time. I sat at the cliff until sunset and headed back.

As I started back down the trail a Blue Jay flew right at me and landed on a tree. I stopped and watched him. He looked back at me for a minute then hopped down to the ground not far from my feet and began looking for dinner. Stopping to look up at me as if to see if I were still spectating. This happened once before when I was at the same spot with a friend. Except it was a hummingbird that flew right up to us. I watched the little guy for a few minutes until he flew off.

I made it to my car just before dark. I was starving and ready for a shower. I checked into my hotel grabbed some clam chowder for dinner and was ready for bed by 6:00. How fucking lame am I?!?!

My room was everything you would expect for $70. It was small. in need of several repairs and if I am 100% honest, I doubt the sheets had been changed but fuck it I was there.

I brought two great books to read so I snuggled up in bed and turned on the TV. I haven’t watched satellite TV in years! It was so refreshing to have a limited choice of entertainment. I found myself deciding between The Wolf of Wall Street and Django Unchained. What type of Leo was I in the mood for?? While both are great, I decided to go with the less violent Leo, and I mean let’s be real we all wish we could be a peak Jordan Belfort.

Not long into the movie I hear the faint sound of a woman. Then again, a little louder a little louder, louder and louder until full on moans and groans! I never did hear a second voice. Yes. I muted my TV and gave the audio show my full attention. Don’t act like you wouldn’t.

This brought me back to the first time I hung out with Liam. A hot surfer I met while bartending at one of the best dive bars to ever exist. We were hanging out on a balcony at a hotel looking into the windows of the rooms admitting we would absolutely watch if we saw people going at it. I thought about texting him to tell him but decided not to and passed out.

I woke up feeling amazing!! As shitty as the room was, I slept better than I have in years! I took a quick drive over to my favorite breakfast spot grabbed a bite and then headed over to one of the most beautiful places I knew. A campground that has a vast forest of redwoods with waterfalls and streams with beautiful turquoise water on one side and a private beach on the other. I pulled up and was the only person on the redwood side. As I started up the trail, I found myself surrounded by intense silence. There was the faint sound of the creek and some birds and the distant sound of waves crashing but it was all muffled by this silence. I know I didn’t understand it either.

The last time I was here I was with a guy who still to this day makes my heart hurt when I think of him and what could have been. A man I was so crazy in love with and believed was just as crazy in love with me. To top it all off…it was also his birthday. There I was walking the same path he and I walked 5 years prior. Between the memories and the deafening silence, it all became too much. I had to turn back. After 5 years I found I still wasn’t ready to revisit that pain.

I made my way over to the beach. I found the perfect spot next to the creek and sat and watched these massive waves crash on the sand. Still having no idea what I was looking for on this trip I began to chant. I chanted aimlessly. Unsure of what I was looking for. After about an hour I decided, I would go check out some of the other spots I saw on my way to the campground. One was a rocky point with the cute little pine tree at the top.

I pulled into the turn out and felt safe when I saw other cars. I hiked through the thick brush down to the point and looked out at the never-ending coastline. My obsession with the ocean comes from a deep fear and respect for it. I like to think that one day I’ll summon up the courage to get in the water but that means I will have to trust someone enough to take me out and with my trust issues it will be a while before that happens.

One thing about admiring from afar is the views. I went around the side of this massive rock formation and saw the perfect shot. I grabbed my phone and started snapping pics. Then Instinctively I switched to video just in time to catch a wave roll in that had thick spray coming off the top and at this one spot where the sun hit just right a rainbow appeared.

This is why I was here. To get this shot! I was satisfied. I had a wonderful morning got an incredible shot and felt good with why I made my trip. (I know all this hype for a fucking pic..it’s okay there’s more) I hiked back to my car and drove back to town. I decided I would grab some lunch before heading back home at one of my favorite spots. I opened my phone and found a great read on Substack. It was like it was written for me. I was consumed with this post glued to my phone having a full moment of self-discovery when BOOM my screen lit up. Liam was calling me!! Liam the guy I thought about texting the night before. Liam the hot surfer you will all soon hear about in an upcoming post. I think I went into shock.

I answered trying to sound somewhat normal but failed. He was on his way to the town where we met. He was calling to meet up. He started to flirt as we do but I was in a small space with lot of people sitting very close so my attempts to flirt back discretely only confused Liam and made the whole conversation awkward. I wanted to bang my head on the table in embarrassment.

Our call was short so I sent him a text explaining my reason for being so awkward and that I would love to see him. We made plans to get together when I got back into town. Just as soon as we confirmed he text back saying he had to cancel the timing didn’t work. He did this the last time we were supposed to meet up too. I mean I love to see Liam when I can, but we live far apart so it’s hard to get the timing right. This time though it sent me into a spiral. I came all this way did this whole trip never knowing what for and right there at the end as I was having a huge personal growth moment Liam shows up only to cancel?? What?! Like this was the climax to the story guys. This was supposed to end with Liam and I meeting up and having hot sex. Hot sex that I desperately needed, and he canceled….WHAT?!

No. this was not how my beautiful weekend was going to end. With me spiraling out over a guy and not just any guy a guy I never spiral over. It’s always been chill with Liam so why the fuck was I feeling like this? I was frustrated with myself. What was wrong with me?? I refused to go home like this. I decided to go hit the local shops and stay to watch the sunset.

I hit up some shops and every time I started to spiral, I would check myself. But also, why? Why did I react this way. What was this triggering?

I made it to the beach about an hour before sunset. I took off my shoes and walked along the water’s edge careful to avoid the massive elephant seal that I almost missed due to my state of distraction.

I walked along the beach looking for rocks and shells as I always do. Going over all the events of the weekend and still only coming up with WHAT?? At peak frustration with myself I decided to turn back and as I turned my attention to the water; I saw something that I’ve never seen before. Mallard ducks at the beach. 8 to be exact and all couples.

Now I’m sure this isn’t unheard of, but it was a first for me and I am absolutely obsessed with mallards. I even had some at one point. I loooooove them!! This snapped me out of my funk, and I sat my ass in the wet sand and watched these cute little things dig for crabs in the surf. It was exactly what I needed. As I sat there, I tried to dig deep into what happened. Why I spiraled. Why did Liam call what did it all mean?!?!? And what I found was this…. It didn’t mean a Damn Thing. Absolutely nothing. There was nothing to figure out. There was no hidden meaning. However, I will say that Liam does have a knack for calling at times when I am in full embodiment of myself. I mean he is the furthest thing from my mind and boom he appears. This has happened on several occasions. I did and do find this interesting, but I also accept that this too is just coincidence.

So, there I sat watching the sun go down with my 8 little friends and only one thing on my mind…. What the duck?