Indomitable

Indomitable.

If you google this word, you will see the definition impossible to subdue or defeat. With the example reading “A woman of indomitable spirit.”

My good friend Haley recently wrote a Substack about finding your word for the year. When I read this” Fucked” was the first word that came to mind.

I am just now starting to process a chain of events that took place over the last few years. I believe I have spent most of my life living in flight or fight mode. I grew up in an extremely abusive household surrounded by addicts and severe mental health issues.

I had my first child at 17 and have lived with this blanket of shame and guilt of being the stereotypical “teen mom”. This all led me to feel safe in bad relationships romantic and platonic. Always looking for my safe place and where I fit in but only attracting in what I was used to. Toxic.

Living this way made it hard to find genuine connections with people. There are very few who truly know me. A lot of people think they do and love to try to tell me how and what I should do with my life, but they don’t know me. They know the idea they have made up in their mind about me. Most see me as weak, because I keep quiet. Never wanting to express my true feelings, in fear of being judged or having opinions that people don’t like or understand. So, I let a lot of things go. I allowed people to treat me with disrespect for the sake of keeping a “Friend” or “Partner”. Always putting myself and my needs last thinking it was the right thing to do. Being the nice girl. The kind girl. The good girl.

It's taken 39 years living this way to realize people are fucking assholes. I surrounded myself with emotionally fucked up people because I was emotionally fucked up. The only difference being I was always actively looking for ways to overcome this toxic mindset. But the people around me were all too scared to sit down with themselves and dig deep to figure out why they feel the need to party and drink alllllll the time. Why they feel the need to constantly be working out or taking vacations to “get away”. I mean get away from what?!? You are your problems! And until you can see that and sit with them and do the dirty work it takes to acknowledge and overcome them you will live in a façade. Yes, you might have a career that makes you a ton of money and you have the nice house and car and marriage and kids and all the shit society says we have to have to be seen as “Something” or “Someone”. GOOD. FOR. YOU.

But ask yourself this…. are you happy? Are you really truly from the core of your soul happy? Do you wake up and feel joy? If you say yes but then spend your day thinking of how you can’t wait to get a drink after work or how bad you need to get to the gym so you can “unwind” your fucking wrong. You are not happy. True happiness is not found in something you do to make yourself feel good. It is within you all day every day allll the time. If you can’t sit in a room alone without anything to do but be there with your thoughts and feel comfortable you have some work to do.

I have spent the last 5 years learning how to sit with myself. Most of my life was spent running aways always looking for a distraction. Friends, relationships, vacations, concerts, hiking, climbing, partying and what I found was that at the end of the day I still had all my issues. Sure, the distractions were fun in the moment and look great on my IG. But I wasn’t happy. It took a chain of tragic events to get me to open my eyes and look deep into myself. And holy fucking shit was it terrifying.

It all started when I left the father of my children. Little over a year after I left, he was in an accident that put him in a coma for two weeks. It was Easter morning, and I had to sit my boys down and tell them their dad might not wake up. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. The trauma I encountered during this time left me broken. But did I do anything about it? No. I distracted myself with a guy. Who was both a narcissist and an addict.

The emotional abuse I endured for four years with that guy left me broken and in desperate need of love and affection. But did I do anything to fix this?? No. I distracted myself with you guessed it!! Another GUY!! Who surprise surprise was also a narcissist! Ha! But this one made me believe in true love. He was everything my broken little soul needed to feel good. And he knew it. He had me believing he loved me and wanted to marry me and that all was finally right in the world. I found a guy and was going to have the partner and the house and the vacations and allllll that stuff we are supposed to have to be seen as “Someone”. until it came time to actually follow through on all those empty promises and poof… just like that he was gone. And I was once again alone. So naturally what do you think I did??

I sought out therapy and dug deep into myself and my trauma to figure out why I kept repeating this pattern. JK I found another guy!! But this one was different. This one checked all my boxes, and not only did he meet the low standards I had set but he had the lifestyle and friends I had been so desperately seeking. This was it guys. This was where I would find my happiness. And for a while I did or so I thought. The guy decided very quicky that I was not enough for him. But was perfectly okay with fucking me for another 4 years while I held out hope that one day he would see that we were meant to be. I did and said all the right things. And after 4 years of working to be what I thought he wanted I was hit with the harsh truth that I never was or ever would be enough for him.

Within those 4 years was when the big chain of events took place. It started in August of 2021. We lost Ross and in December we lost Chop. Two men who were a big part of this new family of friends I had found and what caused the break in the bond we all shared.

In April of 2023, I lost a best friend of 30 years in a car accident. A week later a close friend lost her daughter to suicide. In August another close childhood friend lost her son. A young man of 19 whose life was taken tragically. A boy I not only watched grow up but a boy who was friends with my boys. I had to watch my boys experience a tragic loss while watching my friend live my worst nightmare. Six months later in February of 2024 my best friend in this entire world was brutally murdered by her boyfriend. (I still haven’t processed this.)A week later my aunt lost her battle with cancer. During and after this time I was forced to close the business I poured all of my heart and savings into and it was gone in an instant. My son’s car was stolen, my house flooded and was broken into and robbed twice. They took cameras that had all the memories of my boys when they were small. Pictures of their little smiling faces. Videos that had their little voices and laughter. Things a mother holds close to her heart that I’ll never get to revisit. Happening at a time when my boys are grown and preparing to leave the house. A time when a mother looks to those memories most.

Having all of this happen made me pull away from everyone. I felt a need to be alone. I took a long hard look at my life and realized that I had spent so much time running from all of my shit until I finally tripped and tumbled down this mountain of issues all the way to the bottom and the only way to get my ass back to the top was to dig deep in to this pile of shit and start sorting it all out.

I dug so fucking deep, I thought of every single person and event that left some kind of trauma big and small. I looked deep into myself and acknowledged that I am also part of my problems. I spent countless nights crying, losing sleep. Fighting anxiety and suicidal thoughts. But the worst for me was loneliness. Sitting alone for hours on end with nothing but my thoughts. Matthew McConaughey talks about this in his book Greenlights. Except he recommends taking time away from everything completely. No work, no family, nothing. This is great idea except it isn’t attainable for all. So, I did what I could. I spent nights and weekends alone. Literally sitting in my room no phone or tv on. Just me sitting in silence staring at the wall. Going over and rehashing everything in my life or completely lost in a daydream. I’m talking hours and sometimes entire days just sitting and thinking...alone.

Once I made the decision to sort my shit out things started to align. I found friends who accepted and understood my broken soul. Who show up and support me as I am. Not who they need me to be. I found a job that provides me with all the things I need to focus on my gift as a healer. I spend more time focusing on myself so I can be the mother my boys need. As they are entering adulthood and encountering all the shit life throws at you. They need me. I have to be emotionally present and available to them, so they don’t have to figure it all out alone like I did. I found Buddhism and am now a practicing Buddhist. A practice that teaches us that life is suffering, but it’s what you do with that suffering that matters. Turning poison into medicine.

Life will always throw shit your way. Some more than others. I have no idea why I’ve been through all I have but it happened and here I am. Still struggling with a lot of it. In fact, today just happened to be a good one. Tomorrow might be a day where I struggle to get out of bed or find a reason to live, yet here I am still standing. But standing as a woman with an Indomitable Spirit

I started this Substack to share all of the insane and beautiful stories I have in my short 39 years here on this earth. I am not a writer. I am just a woman who has been through and seen some shit. Some stories are fun and full of joy and others are tragic and full of heartbreak. But every single story is mine and what has shaped me into the Indomitable woman I am today.

Please note: This is for me. I am going to be as authentic as I can while respecting others privacy. I am going to say what I want and how I feel. For those who enjoy thank you. For those who judge or have opinions… no one is forcing you to read.

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